All of my hopes and dreams seem so far away right now.
I still have a lot of hope for my goals. I just feel so tired. Tired of wishing for things. Tired of feeling inadequate. Tired of the knot in my stomach every day.
The worst part about this is that I can’t put a finger on it. I’m not the type of person to wallow in sadness. I always try to stay positive, even when I’m afraid. Even when I let myself down. Even when I feel lost, I try to keep my focus on what’s next. But without any idea of why I’m feeling this way, that seems impossible. I try to take a deep breath and take stock of the great things in my life. I try to get excited for all of the things that I have been blessed with.
I try.
I just get sad and worn out all over again.
I find myself spacing out and just staring. I cry at inappropriate times. Like when those commercials for Disneyworld come on and parents surprise their kids with a trip. They film their reaction and the children are screaming with joy. I just burst into tears. I don’t know why. What is that?
I have been obsessed with hearing how people deal with hardships. Pouring over news articles and watching movies about people who have it much worse than I do.
I look through old pictures and remember what a great childhood I had and how lucky I really am. I look at this blog and at all of you wonderful people who, for some reason, care about what I have to say.
But I can’t shake this raincloud.
Sometimes you just have a bad day.. or a few. Those bad day(S) make the good ones that much more amazing.
ReplyDeleteI go through a constant roller coaster of emotions weekly. You can't beat yourself up if your ambitions aren't accomplished tomorrow, or next month, or next year.
If you love something enough to work hard at it. It'll happen. Plus, I know you've been getting a lot more awesome writing opportunities. Chin up. :)
Thank you so much <3
DeleteI'm sorry you've been feeling so down lately. Trust me; I've felt the same way before. It's like this nagging feeling that something is missing inside of you, even though you have nothing to be down about. I went through a long period of this about two years ago, and I'll be real - I finally gave in and went to the doctor's, I saw a counselor and I went on medication. I've always been really against antidepressants, but I was at a point where I would try anything to feel better. They actually helped level me out and make me feel "normal." I know it seems lame to resort to meds to cure your feelings when you just want to figure out how to control them on your own. I don't know how bad you're really feeling right now, or what is truly at the root of it - but I'm just saying to keep in mind that it's okay to go to the doctors if your feelings start to wear you down too badly.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely something that I'm considering. If for no other reason than it's something I haven't tried, you know? Thank you so much for being so honest and sharing this part of your life. It means a lot to relate to someone and know that other people go through this.
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So sorry hun, you know some of my past and the things I've dealt with, there was also a lot of depression involved, I never got help, but I so wish I had. Lexie is 100% right, only you know the extent of it though.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself, you deserve it <3
xo
Alex
Thank you again for sharing your story with me, I appreciate your support so so very much.
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I feel like this often myself and in particular these last few days. All I can say is don't beat yourself up about not being able to shake it. It will pass, you just have to ride it out. And if you want try meds, there is no shame in it at all - only you can know if it's right for you or not. For my part, I spent near 20 years struggling with my depression and fighting the medication route, until one day, in my early 30s, I decided I just couldn't go on, walked into the doctor and told him to give me something, anything, to make me want to keep going. Since then, my life has gotten on track and been so much more manageable, I can't believe it took me so long to seek help. I still have down periods and no amount of meds will stop me being an emotional basketcase most of the time, but at least now I feel in control and like I'm capable of riding out the tough times. And enjoying the good times!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the long winded response and please don't think I'm suggesting medication - sometimes we just need to be nicer to ourselves and trust in the universe that this too will pass. Do what feels right and be patient as much as you can. And write! You have a wonderful outlet here and you express yourself so well.... perhaps this is your medication??
thinking of you xx
Wow, I wish I could put into words how much it means to me for people to put themselves and their stories out there as a way to show that I'm not alone.
DeleteI am exploring options in the medication world right now and I am hopeful that I'll at least get some answers from seeing professionals, even if nothing gets fixed.
Thank you so so so much, there really is no way to thank people for such amazing support.
<3 <3 <3
I'm sorry you feel this way. I know how it is, and while I haven't felt such a way in a while, I know the helpless feeling. Let yourself be sad. I'm not suggesting to wallow, but allow yourself to feel. It's a time of personal growth, even if it doesn't feel like it. I don't know where I'm going with this, but just don't be too hard on yourself! I hope you start feeling better soon. <3
ReplyDeleteThat is wonderful advice. I've been struggling with not being disappointed in myself for being disappointed in myself. If that makes ANY kind of sense. haha.
DeleteThank you SO much!
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I don't know if it's partially the post-holiday funk or what but I'm feeling it too. It's hard. You have to focus on the small things I think. Today it was Downton Abbey and Ethiopian food. Does it offset all the amorphous saddening bad stuff? No, but somehow the small things make it easier to now just drown in all of it.
ReplyDeleteI've definitely heard a lot of people saying that they're feeling down. I agree! I've been watching Golden Girls non-stop, haha. Thank you for your amazing support <3
Deletei agree with you and thessaly ... something is harder this year after the holidays. we all have to stay strong and support each other. if it wasn't for the lovely blogging community i would be going insane. on a different note cooking has really been helping me therapeutically. it definitely keeps your mind on creating something, you get to see the results of your labor immediately and then you get to put something in your belly and hopefully share a little too. i would recommend that for sure :)
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking that I needed to pick cooking up. It's awesome that it's helped you so much!!
DeleteI promise that everyone goes through some of these times and it's perfectly normal. Just know that it is just a phase and things will start looking up soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you <3
DeleteI've definitely been there... I think sometimes a good cry is what is needed. And a step back isn't a setback if we keep taking the next step forward.
ReplyDeleteAnd I always cry during Disney commercials. That's how they suck us in!
You're exactly right.
DeleteHaha I know!
That's it a Tea date is in order! Besides you can't have rain clouds hanging over when you're sipping delish tea :)
ReplyDeleteA Tea date is definitely in order!!! That would definitely cheer me up!
DeleteNot that it makes it feel any better - but I think times of extreme, inexplicable sadness is normal. I'm sorry you're hurting. It will get better but in the meantime, it's okay to be sad sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much <3
DeleteAwww Renee, I know that over emotional feeling :( I hope you're feeling better now. It's completely normal and it will pass! Just do your best to do what makes you happy until it passes
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